


It's Not Easy

by KSem



Category: MapleStory
Genre: Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-07
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2020-01-06 04:27:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18380945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KSem/pseuds/KSem
Summary: "Are you sure? It's not easy.""I'll be okay." Kinesis said."No, you don't understand. There's a reason why a lot of people don't last.""I will have to understand eventually. After all, it's a hero's job to bear through all the hardships."Right. It's not easy. It's not. It really is not. They didn't tell me it'd be like this... No one told me anything.





	It's Not Easy

Now that the Black Mage has been defeated, the Maple Alliance gathered to discuss his actions, what happened, and how to go forward.

Currently, Edea was speaking about Grandis: it’s history, the current situation.

“From the beginning, we had a neutral relation with the Lef. Over time, we started having disputes with them after they learned how to harness the power within crystals. The previous God-King. . .”

Kinesis was only half-listening. A little history wasn’t too important. After all of that recapping, he could afford to let his mind drift. He tuned out his surroundings and got caught in his thoughts.

_These things just keep popping up one after another. I won’t hear the end of it from Jay and Yuna.” He gave out a small laugh. “They worry too much. I’ll be okay. I wonder how I’ll get them to calm down when I tell them. Some chocolate for Jay, and for Yuna I’ll -_

 " Ï̷̡̘̘̹̥͍̫̝̗̎̂͒ ̷͓̲͈̂̏́͗͝t̸̗͓̻͇̘̻̹̱̂͗͛̎̂̔͂̈́̈́́͆͋h̴͈̻̓͂͑̈́̐̏̇͒͌̚i̸̢̹̠̻̥̥͖͗͘ň̶̙́̎͗͂̈́̅͝ḵ̵͕̠̮̈́̆̌̍͑͠ ̴̳̖̹̩̝͔̅̅̑̄͊͒̆̃͘̚͝A̶̱̼̣̜̬̞̬̘̞͉̼͗̍̅̇͑͌̔̄͂̍͘͠ͅŕ̴̛̛͕̯͍̆̇͘͜ķ̶̡̜̪̗̭͇̼͖͈̒͋̂̔̐̿͋̃͝͝ͅ ̸̧̧̢̮̹̯̣̪̘̳̌̑̈͐̂̾͠ͅj̴̛͚͔̬̺̝͇͆͗͗̑̓̌̊́ų̴̨͉͇͚̼͇̯͇̭͆̈́̒̿s̵̻̾t̸̡̨̞̝̣͔̺̫̙͓̩̉͊̏̀̓̌̑͐͋̃͠ͅ ̴̧̞̝̝̖̪̖̃͐͌̅̈́̾̈̍̕͝r̷̦̟͛͛́͋̆̐̓͆̓͠ü̷̢̹̤̙̤̒͒̔̅̽͛̾͗͘ş̶̻̺̫͖̥̈́̆h̶̨̛͍̮͉̙͕̫͙̊̆̇̂͆̉͝e̷͉̓ͅd̸̢̨̠̮̗͙̃͆̈́͝ ̸̢̙̩͉͕̫̤̮̝̈́̀̒͑̽̅͜ǫ̵͙̣̣̲͙̱̻̿͆̂̃̄͊͜ȗ̷̩̘̳̫͉̝̄̄́͐͑͝͝͠t̴̟̞̬͈̩͕̰̤̹̫̪͕̂̓̔̒͌̈́̇͋̇́.̸͓̬̹̻̹͎̦͚̳̱͉̏̇͜ ̶͎̯̯̗͕͇̬͑̆̂͝H̷̡̨̥̺͔̹̗̙̊͜ͅe̶̛͍̒̃̄̏̓̂̅̈́̈́ ̷̨͖͚̮͚͖̘͔͛̀̎́̆̈́̑̎͌͘d̵̢̹̱̦̹͓̫̊̆̑͒̀͆̈̍̓͋͒͘į̸̘̟͑̑̌̎̌̓̋̍͠ḏ̷̛͉͚̼̯̘̥̘̺̖̫̖̍̽͂̌͗͊̌̎̽́͠n̸̨̨̙̼̟̹̳̠̽̍̂̎͒̅̊͌͗͛͠ͅ'̷̛͉̙͎͉̻̣̠̽̌͊̇t̵͓̰̭̰̜̯̟͖͋̋̀͆̈̊̚ ̴̢̛̯̓̾̎l̸̨̬̲̫̖̙̤͓̉̽́̚̚͜o̴̰̹̲̗̝̬͙̤͌̋͝ǫ̵̡͎̜̼͙̱̍k̵̨̛͖͕̝̗͚͇͓̱̺͖͗͑̽̔̃̾̚͘͝ ̸̮͕͓̘͖̪̹̭̞̑͐̂̇̾̋͘̕͜t̸̯̼̘̠̲̲̜̮͕̥͛͂̌̒́͗́̂͗͜ͅơ̶̢͎̻̥̰̲̰̜̅̉͂o̴̡͖̼̟̰͈̙͉̹̳̫̿́ ̴̮̣͔̠̫̖̏͋͆̇̓̀͠w̸̛̬̲̯̙̦̟̮̞̮̗͒͒̓̌̋̌̂͘͝͠ͅe̴̲̦̘͎͇̩̖̣̐̋̏̊̕̚͜ļ̶̢̛̠̮͙̠̗̙̭̥̈͆̍̓͠ͅͅl̸͎̂͂͑̐̐̉̑.̵̥̼͓̲̟̲͍̞͐̃ "

 

He got pulled out of his own world when Kaiser, who was sitting next to him, leaned his head towards him and spoke to him. Kinesis only heard it as a jumbled mess because he wasn’t alert.

“Sorry, what was that?”

“I think Ark just rushed out.” Kaiser repeated

Kinesis paused for a moment. _Ark, the guy who’s a half specter?_ “Oh?” He said back.

“Maybe he remembered something about the Lef Civil War. I’d go to check on him, but I have to go up and speak soon.“

 _War? He fought in a war?_ Kinesis glanced at Edea and gave a listen to what she was saying. Maybe Ark got triggered by something she said?

“After the end of the civil war, they set out to conquer all of Grandis. Currently, few other civilizations are known to still be resisting their rule. . .”

 _She’s not going into any disturbing details? But the subject could be touchy for anyone who was invovled_... Kinesis turned his attention back to Kaiser, “Which way did he go out?”

“Through the main path.” Kaiser pointed to the back.

“I’ll be back.”

Kinesis quietly got out of his seat and walked out of the pavilion. He looked around, but did not see Ark. Where did he go? He walked back and forth twice to confirm he didn’t miss him.

Maybe he went out a little further?

Kinesis went further out, and turned around a corner. There, in the distance, he saw a maroon haired man sitting on a bench, hunched over, elbows on knees, and head in his hands.

Kinesis started walking over. As Ark’s sniffling became more audible. Kinesis became more unsure of what to do. When he was closer, he could see Ark shaking uncontrollably.

 _Oh_... How should he approach this? When Yuna cried, he could comfort her by joking around or offering her a hug. However, he was not close to Ark; he barely knew him. The issue is no light matter either. What should he say? He wasn’t sure.

“Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?” Kinesis said aloud. With a feeling of uncertainty breeding unease in him, he defaulted to how he was with Yuna, “... Do you need a hug?”

His heart dropped when he heard Ark reply.

“I - I’m fine. I’m tr-trying to c-c-c- calm - calm myself down r-right now. I-I just need to be alone right - right now.” He struggled to utter out. Fluency of speech was not with him.

“I’m fine,” he said? The quivering of his body and voice betrayed the sincerity of that statement.

“...” Kinesis didn’t know what to do. He understood the desire to be alone during rough times, however, he did not feel that he should actually leave him alone. He stood and looked at Ark for a second, before he sat down on the bench too.

!!

 _I didn’t know that the benches could shake this hard._ Kinesis thought to himself.

Indeed, Kinesis could feel his entire body shaking as well. He thought that the benches were built sturdy because their legs were made of stone.

Kinesis looked at Ark, then back down at the ground. He said nothing.

What a wretched situation. His heart dropped again. No, it felt like someone deliberately smashed it on the ground. Kinesis felt the heat drain from his body as he was dismayed. Really, how painful. He knew that the situation was bad, but he did not understand how bad it really was.

What was there to say? What could he say? He could not say “You’ll be okay,” or “It’ll be fine” because the future guarantees nothing.

Ark’s emotions were contagious. He felt like crying too. He could feel his eyes water, but nothing formed a tear. His breathing became slightly irregular as he sometimes gave small sighs and sporadically took quick deep inhales. Stressful. He was unprepared with this situation, and felt no agency at all.

 _This is really... What can I do? I can’t just probe him. I’m not close enough to make a lighthearted joke, and I don’t think I should if it’s about war._ He took a deep breath. _This isn’t easy._

Kinesis thought back to when he proudly exclaimed that he wanted to be a hero even if it was painful and with many trials. Was this what it was? Is this what they meant when they said “It’s not easy. No, you don’t understand. There’s a reason why a lot of people don’t last.” These words started replaying and echoing in his mind.

Being a hero, helping people... It was more than just saving them from physical harm and defeating bad guys. _Right. It's not easy. It's not. It really is not. They didn't tell me it'd be like this... No one told me anything._

He felt powerless in this situation.

_For what reason did I want to become a hero? To help people? Am I helping now? What if I'm being a bother? In the future will I do well? This is the first time, but it surely won't be the last. I feel like a failure. What if I again? What if, instead of helping people, I make things worse? Can I really make a difference? Something so simple and I-  
_

No. It wasn't simple. This is actually quite complex.

 _So it was like this_. He understood now.

He looked over at Ark, still hunched over and burying his face in his hands. _What did you see?_ Kinesis wondered. _You were brave enough to fight against the Black Mage. What's making you cry and shake so hard?_

“This - this is embarrassing.”

“It’s not embarrassing.”

“I don’t know why I can’t be strong about this.”

“It’s alright if you’re not.” He hesitated for a moment before adding on, “You can overcome this.”

Ark did not say anything. And so, they sat once more, not speaking. Kinesis' ears were filled with the sounds of his own heartbeat, the shaking of the bench, and Ark's audible and irregular breathing.

What more could he do? Should he even do anything? In the end, he decided to just remain sitting.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How much time passed? It felt so long, but what if it was only a few minutes? Kinesis' sense of time left him as the emotions swallowed him.

 _Did you feel threatened? What dangers did you see? You're okay now. It's safe here._ Of course, he could not say this either. With a threat even bigger than the Black Mage looming over, the truth was, the future was to bring even more hardship. He didn't know what was causing Ark so much turmoil either. What if it's not about being safe? He wish he knew.

 _So he's still shaking, but I haven't heard the crying in a while now_. He wanted to pat his back or rub it a little. _That's comforting, right?_ He started reaching his arm out, but quickly retracted it.

He wanted to sigh, but didn't want to reveal his unease, so he made the effort to make his deep breaths silent. Really, what should he do now?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ark sighed very audibly and sat up right. Kinesis turned to him. "I don't want to go back in."

"Y-" _ou don't have to._

"But I will, after a short walk. I think that'll calm me down enough."

Ark stood up, and Kinesis followed suit. He looked Ark in the face, his eyes were pinkish and his face still flushed with some red.

"Thanks." His voice sounded so dispirited.

 _I don't think I did anything but,_ "Anytime."

Ark hugged Kinesis.

 _He feels more steady now. Really warm too._ Kinesis took this chance to rub his back. _  
_

They stayed like this for what was probably a few seconds. Was it? Kinesis didn't know.

Ark sighed again. "Okay."

They stopped hugging, and before Ark went on his way, he looked back at Kinesis. His expression was woeful, but he gave a bittersweet smile. Bittersweet it was, but mostly bitter.

"Take care. Everything will be okay."

There wasn't a response as Ark was walking away.

Kinesis watched him going into the distance before he sat on the bench to process what happened.

He sighed.

_Right, it's not easy. I understand now._

It was only morning, but the day had already seen its difficulty. Kinesis knew that this would weigh on his mind for the rest of the day. Maybe even longer than that.

He sighed again, "When I get back, I think I'll buy some fried chicken. I'll hug Jay and Yuna too."

**Author's Note:**

> There was more that I wanted to write but decided to omit: Ark's thoughts, his past, what became of Kinesis and Ark's relationship after. I decided against all of that because the core of this is not about Ark, but instead about Kinesis' inexperience. You don't always get answers, and often, you don't get closure. I wanted to substantiate the feeling of helplessness and the unknown.
> 
> Did I do well? Did you feel what Kinesis was feeling? Please let me know, I appreciate critical, tactful feedback. Tell me how I can improve.
> 
> Even as I say that you often don't get closure, I have envisioned how their relationship goes after this. Maybe I will tack it on/write it elsewhere. But would I be betraying that notion of no closure? It's a difficult decision.
> 
> Thanks for reading.
> 
> \------------  
> I chose Kinesis to be the main character because I felt that it would be fitting for him. He's a character with little to no shortcomings, honestly speaking.
> 
> This is part of the series "I'm Really Not Perfect," which is about Kinesis' experiences being a hero, more specifically, his struggles and his growth, but if I had to be honest, I do not know if it'll actually be a series. I have ideas, but on top of life being as it is, I'm going through a real block. The goal this week was to finish all the fics that "I'll complete even if it kills me!!" Lol. How ambitious. This was the only one I managed to crank out. This one is special.
> 
> [[Also, I wanted to try italicizing inner thoughts this time around instead of using quotations. Is it good or should I use quotations instead?]]
> 
> Note to self: End of second month. Do not forget the fourth month. Three in total.


End file.
